this has been brewing in my head for a while

Do you ever stop for a minute and just look in the mirror? Do you recognize the person that looks back at you? Do you like the person that you see? Is she the person that you think that you are?

Does that last sentence make sense? My life has changed EXPONENTIALLY in the past 4 months. Since August 15, 2005, my life has been turned on its axis. For the most part, things have been great. Really they have. But, like anything there has been a price.

For the first time in my life, I am finally attaining serious professional success. Its real, its been validated, and its progressing. This is what I have been working for since the minute that I stopped waiting tables full time and realized I needed to do something with my life. All of my jobs, as cool and varied as they have been, have all lead to the culmination of this job. Its a great job.

But, there is a but. There is always a but isnt there? This job, this amazing opportunity is creating change. Some days I look at it like an adventure, other days I look at it like a sentence. I work at least 10 hours a day now. That's a light day. I am getting things done. I am learning every day. On paper, this is the perfect thing for me. This is what I wanted all along. Heres where the but came in. Now that I have the professional sucess that I have been looking for, and the financial comfort that I am been striving for, I can't enjoy it. Or rather, I haven't figured out the right balance yet. I am the job. I work. I am defined by my job. I haven't been on a date in ages. I resigned from CASA last month. I should start to pack up my house. I am poised to start this awesome next chapter of my life, and it scares the living crap out of me. If this is really what I have been working for, why aren't I more excited about it? Why doesn't it feel more exciting? Why do I feel so tired?

I look back on the past 365 days. Its strange, but I can actually document so much of my life from the past year- much from this blog, others from my own journals. One year ago today, I met one of the most amazing men in my entire life. We spent probably the most wonderful week together in my life. I will seriously always smile when I look back at that time. It was a defining moment for me last year, because it reminded me that sometimes you can just "be" with a person, and it didn't matter who you are/were/or going to be. You can just find that person and smile, and dance and pretend that you have been together for ages. And then when he leaves, just smile and look forward to the next time you see him. No strings. Between you and me internet, sometimes I wish there were strings, or something that could make it different, but if I had that every day, would it have been, or would it be that good. I am sitting here right now, thinking about that night. I can remember it with absolute clarity. I hope that I will always remember that night and him.

Professionally, this year has been a roller coaster. Without going into the gory details, I have been through some awesome ups and downs. Clearly, I am on a big ole up right now- its almost hard to enjoy, because I wait for the bottom to fall out. I need to get a grip and realize that this isnt going anywhere.

Friendships, I am blessed- I am surronded by some of the most amazing people in my life. I just wish I could spend more time with each and every one of them. Seriously. I need to figure out a way to take them all to D.C. with me. They are my touchstone, and my strength. Its true- friends, good ones, will be there with you through the crap and the good stuff. Its nice to find a small group that is so wonderful.

Physically, well, this past year has been a bitch. I got old. Back to that original mirror comment- I don't even recognize myself some mornings. My face is changing. My hands are changing. I am getting in better shape than I have ever been in, but man, oh man.. its a challange. I am taking better care of myself. I drink water, whereas I used to drink, well, vodka. I finally understand the phrase "Self preservation" - they arent kidding. This upkeep stuff is important. Wish I would have figured it out a while ago.

Finally, back to the original paragraph, the "is she the person..". Hell, I don't know. My original plan was shot to hell about three times over now. Who knows what is going to happen. Maybe I will get married, maybe I won't. Maybe I will have kids, maybe I won't. One thing I am learning though, as I get older is that you really cant plan these things, and life has an amazing way of kicking you in the ass when you least expect it.

The point to this post? I don't know if there is one. Basically- life is changing, and so am I. I am not sure what is going to happen next. Sometimes I wish I could find that magic 8 ball that would help me with the probabilities, but really, would life be as much fun?